Everyone is so worried about being viewed as “needy” in relationship that we have become detached and sub-human. People need to know that it is OK to have needs. Things like, “I have a need to belong, to feel loved, to be connected to others. I have a need to feel safe, to know that I matter, to have nurturing touch”. These are normal, valid, basic needs that you deserve to have met. Yeah I said the D word… Deserve. Why do you deserve it? Just because you are human.

Having needs is part of what makes us human.  A baby needs to be fed and to be held or they could literally die! There’s a term for babies when they don’t receive the nuturance they need, known as “failure to thrive”. You too may be failing to thrive in relationship because you are neglecting your valid needs. We don’t stop having needs just because we become adults.

Those of us who grew up in homes where there were multiple children, overwhelmed parents, or a variety of other reasons why our parents were not so available to us, may have experienced not getting our needs met. When a child finds they cannot get their needs met, they start to question whether they are doing something wrong or if something is wrong with them.  We may then take on the belief that “it’s not ok to have needs,” or that “my needs don’t matter”.

When we take on the belief that, “it’s not ok to have needs,” and we operate as if this is our reality, we put on a false persona of being sub-human; a superhero that has no needs. Yes, our partners might believe that we are so easy to please and need nothing, yet inside part of us yearns to be cared for and attended to, and we end up only sharing part of ourselves with others. What if you truly don’t believe you have needs, or that you do have needs, but you can take care of yourself and don’t need anyone to take care of your needs?

One thing that helped me realize that I actually had needs was viewing the Needs Inventory provided by the NVC , Non Violent Communication folks, on their website. https://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory

First, it helped me give myself permission to acknowledge that I actually had some of these needs. The next step was figuring out how to get these needs met. And then, finally, to be able to receive offers and actual support from those wanting to help meet my needs.

It may sound really simple, but coming from someone who experienced asking for help and not getting it, or asking for things that I wanted as a child, and receiving a NO, time and time again, I became hesitant to ask for anything. The fear of rejection and hearing no became too great of a risk to take.

My mom was actually pretty harsh and asking for things could even result in punishment. Imagine a child asking for a new Barbie doll, then being yelled at for asking, telling them that they should know better then to ask because “we don’t have money for that,” or that “you already have a Barbie doll at home, you don’t need another one.” And don’t even think about feeling disappointed and crying about it because then you could get in trouble, and you might be given “something to cry about.” When you hear no enough times, you eventually learn to stop asking for things.

Fast-forward several years later to adulthood trying to have a relationship with someone who you love and who loves you. The other person wants to meet your needs but they need to know what they are. Sadly you don’t know either. 

Unfortunately, our partners are not usually psychic, nor do they live in our head. So if we find ourselves needing something from them, up comes the belief, ‘its not ok to have needs.” Or perhaps another one, “it’s not ok to ask for your needs to be met.”  Yet often we expect our partners to somehow just know what we want when we don’t even know ourselves. So what now? How will you ever get your needs met? How will you ever have the great sex you keep hearing about in magazines?

This could prove to be trickier than one might expect. If you spent enough time stuffing down your needs and trying not to have them, chances are you won’t know what you want or need. Or you may be too afraid to ask, or to even risk looking within to try and figure out what your needs are.

Hopefully you have an amazing partner who wants to meet at least some of your needs, and is willing to work with you on figuring out what those are. Are you willing to risk looking inside to see what needs are there? Are you willing to then admit your needs to yourself and your partner? Are you also willing to accept that just because you have a need, it doesn’t mean someone else is obligated to meet it?

You could begin by looking at the list referenced earlier on the NVC website and ask yourself which needs feel relevant to you. You could then start to figure out how these needs get met for you in general.  For example. If you have a need for love, as everyone does, how do you know that you are loved? How does your partner communicate it to you? How might you want your partner to communicate their love to you? If you don’t know, perhaps it is time for some research.

There’s a popular book called, The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman, which essentially helps you to figure out the ways in which you best receive and give love. My top love language is quality time, followed by acts of service, then words of appreciation. For me this means that when my partner spends uninterrupted time with me, or does little things for me, or tells me how great I am, I can feel how much they love me. On the other hand, my partner’s top love language are touch and words of appreciation, so they feel loved when I touch them lovingly, or perhaps give them a great blowjob, or I tell them how much I appreciate them and why.

Here are some ideas on how to get started researching and getting clearer on your love languages:

1) Ask your partner to tell you how much they love you and why. See if that meets your need to feel loved.

2) Ask your partner to communicate their love to you using touch. How does that feel? Is your love cup filling up?

3) Ask your partner to do something nice for you that you might like, such as washing your car, washing your dishes, cooking a special meal, or some other service oriented task. Are you feeling the love?

4) Perhaps you like gifts. Ask your partner to buy you something nice, such as flowers, some chocolate, or a favorite drink. Do you feel loved when they demonstrate that they pay attention and get you what you like or ask for?

5) Or maybe you would really just like spending quality time together by taking a walk or simply gazing into each other’s eyes, without any interruptions from technology of course.

As you can see, there is way more to having good sex and relationships than just jumping into bed with someone and following 10 tips to great sex. We’ve just barely scratched the surface here by examining how someone might get the “need to feel loved” met, and there are so many more needs that humans have. Yes, I will say it- We Are Needy, and it’s not a bad thing! We all have needs and that is OK!

This relationship stuff takes work, but it can be so rewarding and help us understand and love ourselves deeper than we could ever imagine or experience being alone.

Do you want or need some support figuring out your needs and/or how to get your needs met? I would love to partner with you in your journey to having your needs met and ultimately having the best sex and relationships you can imagine! Contact Tori

Yes To Your Needs!

I don’t consider myself a writer, but I’m going to challenge myself to stretch and write about topics that are important to me related to love, intimacy, sex and relationships. My hope is that you find something of value that helps you feel more human, more connected, more acceptance, and ultimately more LOVE for yourself and others.

With all my heart,

Tori